When I set out across three continents with my Themes and Variations Tour earlier this year, I knew I would experience many memorable adventures along the way. Perhaps the most surprising occurred in a city that I didn’t even perform in. As I planned the tour’s North American run, I noticed a couple days off between the Toronto and Chicago shows: just enough time to squeeze in a visit to Milwaukee to visit my friends Mike Stoklasa, Jay Bauman, and Rich Evans, creators of the YouTube Channel Red Letter Media.
This visit resulted in my guest appearance on their popular series Best of the Worst, reviewing three cult films. Having been a fan of Red Letter Media for over fifteen years, I was thrilled to finally hang with these guys in real life and partake in one of my favorite teenage hobbies: watching terrible movies made by people trying to make something great.
THE PHANTOM PLINKETT
One of the early pioneers of YouTube film nerd discourse, Red Letter Media launched to prominence in 2009. Their feature-length review of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, told from the perspective of a creepy serial killer named Mr. Plinkett, became a viral sensation, and set a new benchmark for online film discourse and precedent for longer form internet content. Since then, they have created hundreds of videos offering hilarious sketches along with thoughtful criticism of films, ranging from the most obscure midnight movie cult classics to the biggest studio blockbusters. I’ve proselytized their “Mr. Plinkett” Star Wars Reviews to anyone and everyone who would listen.
At some point over the last decade, I struck up an online friendship with Mike, nerding out about pop culture and films through Twitter DMs. I felt a silly thrill when he and Jay mentioned me by name a couple times in various reviews. We kept in touch and became closer until, at last, I could finally visit Milwaukee. I was thrilled when Mike suggested I make a guest appearance on their recurring cult movie review series, Best of the Worst. In this series, the guys watch three cult movies, usually while drinking heavily, then they discuss the movies in detail. Ultimately one film of the three is proclaimed “Best of the Worst.”
Watching the Red Letter Media guys laugh their way through cult movies took me right back to those countless high school and college weekends spent watching films such as Deathstalker II, American Cyborg Steel Warrior, Robot Jox, Fortress, and Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. with my buddies. The rituals and conversations play out almost identically to these memories of my youth: movies are selected based on their campy VHS box cover art and potential for unintentional comedy, snacks and drinks are procured, and ceaseless commentary radiates from the couch as the film plays out.
GUEST OF THE WORST
Mike and Jay picked me up outside the hotel where the rest of my tour crew and bandmates slept soundly on their day off. They drove me to an unassuming office building where I met Rich Evans and frequent co-host Josh Davis. I got the grand tour and discovered beneath the building’s unremarkable exterior a surreal wonderland of nerd culture within! It was all here: the screening room with walls adorned with DVDs and VHS copies of crappy movies, Plinkett’s dilapidated house set, the Lightning Fast VCR repair shop set, the BOTW roundtable, the workshop, and the prop room filled with Gremlins and Star Trek memorabilia. I even witnessed the elusive “Dick the Birthday Boy” photos that are only available to people who come to the studio.
Anything and everything I had ever seen in their videos was there, with bizarre props, like plastic CPR training baby doll heads and the remnants of melted Star Wars action figures, bursting from every nook and cranny. I was creeped out by the disturbingly realistic replica of a nude Sylvester Stallone from the film Demolition Man that had just been featured in their most recent video. Sylvester, with a bit of electric tape strapped across his waist for modesty, joined us for the screenings.
During a late (and balanced) breakfast of bagels and RC Cola, Mike presented the three movies they had selected for this episode. First was 1986’s campy science fiction exploitation film Star Slammer: The Escape. Next up, 2010’s ultra low-budget vanity project Talos. Lastly (and probably because they had a composer as a guest) Cannon film’s 1980 notorious flop disco musical The Apple. These movies were hilarious and fascinating, each in its own way.
Star Slammer: The Escape, the science-fiction-prison film from renowned low-budget filmmaker Fred Olen Ray, was so low-budget that it almost made no sense. Silly costumes, outrageously bad visual effects, and hilarious overacting combined to create glorious shlock. Definitely a great way to start my first Best of the Worst.
Talos was the passion project of Eddie Thomas, a martial arts instructor who wrote and directed this film in which he portrayed a wise king who saves the day. Talos was tough to sit through. I could understand what the director was going for, but he was undercut by a lack of skill and resources at every turn. Sound was a particularly jarring issue. There were so many scenes where there was no music and the dialog utterly unintelligible. I couldn’t help but start imagining how to fix it.
The Apple, a fascinating science-fiction-disco musical directed by Cannon films legend Menahem Golan, boasted ambitious narrative ideas and impressive production design. I had heard over the years how awful it was, so perhaps I was unprepared to be genuinely charmed by it. Yes, it is still bad—maybe as bad as everyone says it is—but it was nonetheless energetic, earnest, and entertaining. And it had a couple good songs in it! Joss Ackland (Lethal Weapon 2, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey) appears as God at the end, arriving in a flying gold-plated Rolls-Royce, to whisk away a community of hippies. What’s not to love?
Truly, any of these could have been “Best of the Worst” winners in a different line up. They were all great! After a lengthy and boisterous conversation, Rich, Josh and I proclaimed The Apple “The Best of the Worst.” Mike offered his characteristic contrarian vote, in this case, for Star Slammer.
After our fourteen-hour shoot, Mike and Jay dropped me back at my hotel room shortly before midnight. I felt simultaneously exhausted and exhilarated as I crawled into bed to get a few hours sleep. My head was racing with the sounds and images of outer space prison ships, barbarian zombie warriors, and futuristic dome-roofed cars. The next day, I joined my bandmates on a tour bus ride up to Chicago to perform our final show of the North American tour. Little did I know, my involvement with The Best of the Worst was nowhere near finished.
RE-SCORING TALOS
Towards the end of round table discussion, we floated the idea of actually fixing some of the glaring post-production errors in Talos. I was already itching to score some of the scenes from the film, because I really love the sword and sorcery fantasy genre, and I appreciated all the tropes the director was going for. (Incidentally, I will never turn down the opportunity to write epic music in the style of my favorite score, Basil Poledouris’ Conan the Barbarian.) So, I confidently proclaimed on camera we should work together to re-edit scenes from Talos, and create new sound design, ADR vocal performances and original score.
I don’t know if the guys took me seriously in that moment. However, as soon as I got home from tour, I went into my studio and started working on new musical material for Talos. I collaborated with Jay for a couple days as he recut the footage and redesigned the sound. Our task was especially difficult, because there was so little useful footage to work with. We had to really dig for it, but we found a slightly more coherent story in there! We crafted a short film that tells a simple, yet complete, story. Mike provided an ADR voice performance for the monster using a creepy voice eerily similar to his Emperor Palpatine impression, which made me giggle.
Truthfully, I was initially arrogant in thinking I could knock this score out quickly. The task proved extremely difficult, and it made me appreciate how lucky I am to routinely score footage crafted by skilled filmmakers. More than once I considered calling Mike and Jay and bailing on the project. Finally, I had to recognize that in order for me to score even five minutes of Talos, I had to take it as seriously as I took Battlestar Galactica, God of War, The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, or anything else.
Once I jumped that psychological hurdle, I found my way into the material. I tackled Talos the same way I start all my projects: by writing a theme for the main character. For the Talos Theme, I imagined a proud melody that would make an effective fanfare when played by trumpets and blaring French horns.
From there, I incorporated this melody into a traditional symphonic orchestral setting, atop contemporary cinematic percussion and subtle synths. I wanted the score to feel slick and modern while evoking the Golden Era Hollywood fantasy I believe the director was striving for.
I had a ton of fun scoring these scenes! I loved augmenting the audience’s descent into a dark cave with menacingly swirling low celli and basses, supporting an evil monster’s unholy seance with hypnotic harp arpeggios and dissonant male choirs, and raising the stakes for Talos as he battles a demon warrior with urgently percussive string ostinatos and soaring brass fanfares.
My score to Talos turned out to be… pretty good!
I have a certain admiration for director Eddie Thomas. Sure, his film’s technical shortcomings are its undoing, but by the end of my time working with his footage, I hope I had helped him tell some of the story he had in his mind when he created his magnum opus.
A MESSAGE FROM CATHERINE
Unknowingly, Mike had selected a film that starred one of my friends! And my adventure with Best of the Worst was about to take another turn.
Between the North American and Australian runs of Themes and Variations, I snuck out to New York City for another week long writing session and actor workshop for my in-progress stage musical Particle Fever, an exciting new musical about the real life scientists who took part in the groundbreaking discovery of the Higgs boson. While in the city, I caught up with my friend Catherine Mary Stewart.
Catherine and I met nearly a decade ago, at a sushi dinner in London with our mutual friend, writer and producer Bryan Fuller. Catherine is an accomplished actor, perhaps known best for her roles in iconic cult films such as The Last Starfighter, Night of the Comet, and Weekend at Bernie’s. Her acting career got off to an auspicious start in 1980 when she was pulled from a group of dancers to star in… drumroll, please… The Apple.
I was struck by the idea that perhaps Catherine could be included somehow in this Best of the Worst episode. I knew her appearance would be unprecedented for Red Letter Media. No actor involved in a film featured on Best of the Worst had ever done anything like this before, but when I pitched the concept to Mike and Jay, they were thrilled. Then I just had to convince Catherine!
As I sat across the table from Catherine at Manhattan’s bustling Carnegie Diner & Cafe, I pitched her an idea. The concept Mike and I came up with was simple: Catherine would shoot a heartfelt Oscar-worthy video acceptance speech, erroneously thinking her film had been unanimously picked as “Best of the Worst” only to learn that Mike had voted for a different film. She reacts poorly.
Knowing Catherine well, I was not surprised when she enthusiastically agreed to take part. She asked me to write a script she could work with. I spent that evening in my hotel room above the flashing lights of Times Square drafting a two-page script. I could not help but exaggerate my sweet friend Catherine into a cartoonishly petty diva easily outraged by anyone not awarding her film top honors.
Catherine loved the script and, a few weeks later, shot it at her home, delivering a perfect, single take. Catherine was a joy to work with! Though I would never call myself a screenwriter, I nonetheless felt a thrill hearing dialog I wrote come to life from a seasoned performer.
GUEST OF THE WORST
My appearance on Best of the Worst launched on their YouTube channel in July, during my sixteen hour flight across the Pacific Ocean to begin the Australian leg of my Themes and Variations Tour. After touching down in Melbourne, I turned on my phone to see the video had already racked up hundreds of thousands of views, and thousands of comments.
Huge thanks to the Red Letter Media guys for letting me guest on their show! Ever since I witnessed the first Mr. Plinkett Star Wars review back in 2009, I’ve voraciously consumed every video they’ve ever made. Over the years, I somehow felt like these guys and I would get along. My instinct was proven correct when we finally got together this year. Mike, Jay, Rich, and Josh were everything I hoped they would be and more: funny, hospitable, friendly, thoughtful, and dedicated to their craft.
They truly are the Best… of the Worst.
-Bear
